destroy what destroys you

I think I’m leaving this blog.

I need to separate myself from all food-related thoughts. While everyone I have talked to on here is wonderful and lovely and so supportive, their blogs are all food-related. I can’t be around that anymore. Maybe I don’t want to admit it, but it’s hurting me in recovery.

I’m so tired of everything. I want to eat what I want. I don’t want to have to see a therapist. I want to have normal teenager problems and get stressed over normal teenager drama. I don’t want to dread homecoming because I’m afraid of where we’re going for dinner. I want to be NORMAL.

I don’t want my life to revolve around numbers anymore - both the numbers on the scale and the numbers on food packages. I don’t know how, but I’m going to beat this.

Thank you for all of your wonderful messages, everyone. I’ve really appreciated it and I wish you all luck on your journeys :)

My name is Rachel, I’m sixteen, I’m 5’3”, and I’m 85 pounds. And as of today, I have decided to kick anorexia’s ass.

completely shitty afternoon

i went to the doctor’s for my weigh-in like usual, and i was expecting a big gain. i don’t know why, i just had this feeling. and that feeling was making me anxious and upset and i was overall not in a good mood.

so i went into the room with the scale, and i got on. i looked up at the ceiling while the nurse was weighing me, and after she was finished, i said that i didn’t want to know the number. my mom did want to know, however, and what she saw on my papers made her so angry that she told me what the scale had said.

i didn’t gain. i fucking lost more weight. i’ve been eating and eating and eating and i’ve lost again. and now my mom is forcing all this food on me and i feel enormous and disgusting and i’m so afraid that i’m going to be put in the hospital now.

everything was going so well and now it’s all come crashing down. all i’ve done since coming home is cry. i feel so lost and empty and alone.

i want everything to end.

so happy that tomorrow’s friday

because friday signals the beginning of the weekend, and weekends mean more sleep, more tumblr and more time to do homework :3

but first i have to get through an english test and a spanish presentation. not fun.

anyway. updates on eating and weight and such:

• another weigh in tomorrow afternoon
• i’m feeling gross/bloated right now but i’m still slightly constipated so…
• being back at school has made me realize that my diet is actually extremely healthy by high school standards. at lunch, my friends eat pizza and nachos and potato chips and bottles of mountain dew, while i’m sitting there with my yogurt and whole wheat bread and bottle of water. as of yet, no awkward comments regarding what i eat, so that’s good.
• i didn’t count calories today!! so proud of myself :) i hope i can keep it up!

calorie counting update

so today was half a success/half a failure? if such a thing is possible.

i did kind of add up things, but not obsessively. like, after i finished my lunch today, i thought back and realized how many calories were in my sandwich, but i didn’t go any further than that. i don’t know my calorie total for today and that was my main goal, so that’s what’s really important. i even ate my afternoon snack intuitively - i’m ridiculously proud of that :)

i did well today, but i’m determined to make tomorrow better. i’m going to try my hardest to just eat and not count any calories at all - if i can do it for one day, then i think the next few days will come easier.

i hope everyone’s having a good week back at school! if i was able to sleep more and have an ideal eating schedule and less homework, i would be much happier :3

i will not count calories tomorrow

i will not count calories, i will not count calories, i will not count calories.

tomorrow has only two outcomes: i will be successful and not count, or i will fail and log every bite that goes into my mouth. only time will tell…

i’m hoping that by posting this here, i’ll be more determined to follow through with my plan. i can’t even remember how many times i’ve made this promise to myself - maybe thirty, probably more? i’ve only succeeded twice. i have gone two days without counting calories. two days since march. TWO.

what a fucking pathetic thing for my life to revolve around: numbers. i think i’d like to eat a yogurt, i’m a little hungry right now… but myfitnesspal says that that yogurt will make me go over 1400 calories! 1420 is too many, far too many… i don’t need that yogurt. i must have made a mistake, i’m definitely not hungry. i can wait for dinner.

i’m so angry at myself for letting this consume me. and i’m even angrier at the fact that i keep failing at my attempts to quit calorie counting. i know that the main cause for the failures is my fear of gaining weight - the idea that if i eat over x calories a day, i’ll automatically look like a whale. but what’s so stupid about that is that i know i need to gain weight. if i DON’T gain weight in a month or two, i’m going to look like crap all winter because all of my jeans are too big on me.

so, logically: no calorie counting = possibly gaining = looking good in jeans

the last bit sounds like a good outcome. possible motivation? i hope so.

school tomorrow

pros:

• i’ll be busier
• i won’t be so antisocial
• i’ll have more excuses to wear cute clothes all the time
• i (might) concentrate less on food and more on homework
• i’m now an upperclassman ♥

cons:

• i don’t have lunch with any of my best friends
• i don’t know anyone in my second hour
• i have to wake up at 5:30 and go to bed at 10:00
• AP classes = lots of homework = an extremely stressed rachel
• no more lounging around the house doing nothing
• probably no more grocery shopping because i’ll be so busy </3
• fucked up eating schedule
• i’ll miss sleeping.

goal #1 of september: stop being so negative!

so on the positive side: to mourn celebrate the last day of summer, i’m making and eating some of my favorite meals :) i know that’s a weird way to celebrate, but i am weird soooo~ chicken fajitas for dinner :3

food on saturday

i’ve just finished dinner, and i’m STILL under my calories. now i need to eat about another 200 before i can consider today a success /: i even ate some cool whip after my chicken and rice in the hope of getting the numbers up!

so i’m thinking that i’ll shower, then have some watermelon/cantaloupe… or whatever i can find that’s in my kitchen. i don’t want anything really filling seeing as i already feel bloated from food.

this is one thing that i really hate about recovery: it kind of messes with your mind in terms of hunger signals. you’re constantly having to eat when you’re not hungry. of course i realize that this is necessary in order to regain health - but this is basically teaching us to ignore our body’s signals regarding how hungry/full we are.

i don’t want the above paragraph to make me sound like i’m hating on recovery, because i’m absolutely not. recovery is fucking hard, but i don’t ever want to go back to the starving patterns that i used to be caught in. i want to recover and live life normally more than anything. i have no doubts that this is all eventually worth it… but it just gets so mentally exhausting sometimes.